Wonderful Blog Post on CHANGE

I just read a wonderful post on zenhabits on CHANGE.  Take a look.  I especially like his final thoughts about freedom from the fear of failure ... and this quote

‘Try again. Fail again. Fail better.’ ~Samuel Beckett

Happy Reading!

The Dreaded SHOULD List

I would like all of us to live as fully as we can. The only time I really feel awful is when people have not lived a life that expressed themselves. They lived with all their "shoulds" and "oughts" and their blaming and placating and all the rest of it, and I think, "How sad.

Virginia Satir (1916 - 1988)

 

I came across this quote this evening, and thought ... yes, how sad.  The reality of a life lived according to the SHOULD list is sad. I'm guilty, how about you?

What are the things that creep into your life that place a SHOULD across the path of doing all that you wish to do, and being all you wish to be?  Where do all these SHOULDs come from?

I look back at the mountain of SHOULD, and at the base of it, I see the first little pebbles ... people pleasing ... fear of rejection ... running from the need to stand alone and stand strong ... wanting to be "normal" ... the list is long.  Then, upon that foundation  grew the long list of things that I SHOULD do in order to maintain a fragile peace around me.  Strange the sacrifices I will make to my heart's peace in order to orchestrate the false peace around me.

Have you shouted "NO MORE"?  I have.  Yet, it is a journey to growing back into the uniqueness I was born with.

The highest thing on my SHOULD list ... 

 

I should be able to do it all, better! 

 

Go ahead, say it ... psycho!  But it does seem to be the mantra to which I bow.  What's your greatest SHOULD? 

Let's go out on a limb and vow, together, to put aside our SHOULDs, just for today.

 

 

 

More wisdom from Virginia Satir ...

"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay."

 

To that, I add ... Thank you, God, for making me just as I am!

Firsts and Lasts

I've been reflecting a lot lately on my teenage boys. I guess every mom goes thru this time of reflection as she comes to grips with the inevitable ... they will grow up and leave you. Bitter/sweet. During this time, I'm discovering once again the little boys they used to be.

As our kids are growing up, we are so consumed with the current state of things. We're driving them places, making sure they are prepared for every eventuality in the day (i.e. Don't forget you shoes for gym!), and generally enjoying knowing them in the moment. What has struck me lately had led me through a period of mourning (which I consider a good and healthy thing), but maybe not in the sense you think. Let me see if I can explain.

Our kids' lives are filled with the first times, and the last times. The thing is, we have lots of reminders of the firsts. Remember that first step? I bet you had the camera ready as I did (or at least you recreated the event a few moments later for posterity). How about that first night in a tent, or the first soccer game? Got it. First time carving a pumpkin? First time in Grandpa's arms? Got it. We have picture after picture, and revisit those "firsts" over and over again.

But what about the lasts? The last time he rode a tricycle? Did you get that on film? Remember how precious he was motoring around with knees up to his chin? Nope ... don't "Got it". How about the last time you picked him up? One day, he reaches the point where he walks everywhere by himself. Nope ... don't got that one either. The last time he held your hand to cross the street? Didn't we celebrate how grown up he had become when he could do it safely by himself. It is the job of parents to teach their kids everything they need to know to be happy, functioning, successful (however you define it) adults. But oh the sweetness of dependence.

Sometimes I see parents yelling at their young children. Parents are frustrated and tired ... the pressures of the American Dream. Children are undisciplined and demanding ... the lenience of today's parenting generation. And the parents are yelling their children into defiance. I want to walk over to them and reach them with the love that shows them that I understand their frustrations. I want to hug their kids and tell them they are wonderful just because they are, not because of any particular trait or accomplishment. Mostly, I want to tell Mom and Dad that one day, in the near future, a last will happen. They won't know it is the last. They won't see it coming, or realize the implications. But it will come. Something will come to an end, and one day they will mourn.

When I think of my two teenagers, I think about their little faces as they slept when they were young. Many of you understand that sensation of staring at your sleeping kids because it is the source of strength for making it through another day with them awake. Don't condemn me for that ... you know we've all done it! I would venture to say that we've been better parents for it! But one day, the face changes. You're no longer looking at your baby, but at your adolescent. Then it is your teenager. Then it is your adult child. You realize that the little guy, although encased in a grown-up body now, really doesn't exist anymore. You love the adult with a more complete love than you ever loved the little child, because your love has had time to grow and mature. But that little one is just a memory. I'm so grateful for the wonderful memories!

These are the meandering thoughts I have as I watch my teen yell at the top of his lungs that I have no right to try and control his life. Flashes of young faces fly thru my mind as I watch one run like the wind, or the other give the soccer game his all. Yes, I am so grateful for the memories.

If you are remembering too, be thankful as I am. If you are struggling not to be that yelling parent, pause to remember that this is all so very temporary. Aren't we blessed to be parents?!?

Cinderella Syndrome

Cinderella ... a beautiful, sweet girl ... mistreated until someone notices her true worth, then raised to the status of princess to live "happily ever after". Snow White ... a beautiful, sweet girl ... mistreated until someone notices her true worth, then raised to the status of princess to live "happily ever after". Ariel from the Little Mermaid, Belle from Beauty and the Beast ... the list goes on and on, and the theme is the same. All these stories teach us as women an interesting lesson. If you persevere long enough through your trials, you will one day be noticed and applauded for who you are, and that recognition will be the thing that brings you to the point of living "happily ever after". What an unproductive and damaging moral to teach our little girls. How damaging that was for those of us who are now women trying to live under the shadow of such fantasy!

What if life is not designed as a direct trip to a "happily ever after" created by Prince Charming? The journey of life doesn't have a destination that is contained within this life. Maybe we will never truly feel appreciated for all that we are. Some will always be looking for that perfect someone who will rescue them from the turmoil of their lives. Why is the divorce rate so high? Why are so many people on anti-depressants? Why are we so selfish in our actions, living in a constant state of dissatisfaction? Because the illusive goal of being rescued and living forever happy looms over us from childhood.

Ladies, what if we embrace the difficulty? What if we learn to embrace that we can act in kindness and love and not have anyone constantly appreciate us in a way the elevates us to a permanently honored status? And what if we can do all this and journey through this life not thinking about what our reward will be, and when we will get it? I think that is where peace and happiness reside. It is the true and only definition of "happily ever after". When we find contentment in the imperfect journey, and move forward through it with light steps and peace in our hearts, then we have arrived without Prince Charming coming along to make it all perfect.

I choose to let my Prince Charming off the hook. He doesn't have to create "happily ever after" for me. I am the only one who can create that within myself. As a result, I choose to present to my prince a better, more stable, less self-centered, trustworthy, peaceful wife to accompany him on this life journey.

"Sometimes More is Just More"

Over the past few days, I've become aware of a documentary called "Simply Raw - Reversing Diabetes in 30 days". I've been hearing some remarkable things about the "experiment" to try and take 6 insulin-dependent diabetics off their meds and to a new level of health in 30 days by changing their diet to include only raw foods. I watched the trailer this morning, and felt such sadness (tears running down my cheeks) for a society gone high-tech, processed, wasteful ... totally lost from the simplicity for which God intended us. I am just as guilty as any of wanting the easy, most pleasurable way out in all circumstances. But is all this complication, all this layering that takes us so much "higher" really easier and more pleasurable? "Sometimes more is just more." (from the movie "Sabrina")

Where did all the human beings go?

What a crazy world we live in ... I've said it a million times. Lately, I've been trying to understand just what makes it so crazy. I think it can all be boiled down to a lack of humanness. We see celebs and the rich and famous going all out for "humanitarian efforts", but I don't even know the names of my neighbors. It makes me sad when I walk into the grocery, pass someone, and they won't even acknowledge that they have come within a few feet of another human being. We're all suffering here, trying to get from one day to the next without it all falling apart and becoming meaningless. And I must lump myself into the "all", knowing that it is such a frightening thing to put yourself out there and allow yourself to be emotionally touched. Worse is to reach out and find the reception cold. We're all so lonely in this world. Have you seen the emptiness in people's eyes? I wonder at those who know Christ, and still feel such emptiness. Why? I think that God created us for interaction and interdependence. But it has become such a stigma to NEED anyone or anything ... except maybe coffee! What if we were all a little more needy? What if my focus today was reaching out to someone in need? I'm not talking about the person on the corner who is beggin for money. That is a different kind of need. I'm talking about my sons, when they've had a bad day but don't want to show it. It isn't "cool" for a teenager to be effected anymore. Truly, it isn't "cool" for any of us to feel anymore. My question is ... where did all the human beings go? Emotion is a part of our humanness. It is time we used emotion to bring glory to the God who created us.

I'm ready to give this reconnecting thing a try, but there is a flaw. I've always carried my emotions close to the surface. You can hurt me. Anyone can hurt me. I don't like admitting the fragile side, because strength has always been a virtue for me. Maybe weakness, a point where hurt can enter, is not, however, "weakness". Maybe, just maybe, real strength comes from putting the weakness forward, getting slammed over and over again, and being able to keep it all in perspective. Maybe that is true strength. And perhaps the way to keep it all in perspective is to trust in the wisdom God promises ... wise responses to the growth of relationships.

It all sounds good here ... Courage!