Breathe

The word of the day.

When it has been too much ... when sleep evades ... when the people are everywhere and solitude absent ... when I just need to stop for a few moments ... but when life continues on in its demanding way ...

I try to remember to just BREATHE.

 

Peaceful moments to you today.

The Dreaded SHOULD List

I would like all of us to live as fully as we can. The only time I really feel awful is when people have not lived a life that expressed themselves. They lived with all their "shoulds" and "oughts" and their blaming and placating and all the rest of it, and I think, "How sad.

Virginia Satir (1916 - 1988)

 

I came across this quote this evening, and thought ... yes, how sad.  The reality of a life lived according to the SHOULD list is sad. I'm guilty, how about you?

What are the things that creep into your life that place a SHOULD across the path of doing all that you wish to do, and being all you wish to be?  Where do all these SHOULDs come from?

I look back at the mountain of SHOULD, and at the base of it, I see the first little pebbles ... people pleasing ... fear of rejection ... running from the need to stand alone and stand strong ... wanting to be "normal" ... the list is long.  Then, upon that foundation  grew the long list of things that I SHOULD do in order to maintain a fragile peace around me.  Strange the sacrifices I will make to my heart's peace in order to orchestrate the false peace around me.

Have you shouted "NO MORE"?  I have.  Yet, it is a journey to growing back into the uniqueness I was born with.

The highest thing on my SHOULD list ... 

 

I should be able to do it all, better! 

 

Go ahead, say it ... psycho!  But it does seem to be the mantra to which I bow.  What's your greatest SHOULD? 

Let's go out on a limb and vow, together, to put aside our SHOULDs, just for today.

 

 

 

More wisdom from Virginia Satir ...

"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay."

 

To that, I add ... Thank you, God, for making me just as I am!

Good Advice ... No Workaholics Here!

I ... am a workaholic.  There.  I've said it. 

No, I'm not a workaholic where my paid job is concerned.  I can draw boundaries there. But I'm an "at home" workaholic.  I can't ever sit still and relax without forcing myself to do it.  I ... am a human doing, not a human being!  Today, I came across a new article about 11 Creative Ways to Avoid Becoming a Workaholic.  The article addresses the workplace, but is SO applicable to my life.  Take a look, and tell me how you avoid overworking yourself during your "free" time.

Simplify

Websters has this to say about the word SIMPLIFY

To make simple or simpler: as
a: to reduce to basic essentials
b: to diminish in scope or complixity

and of SIMPLE

1: free from guile: INNOCENT
2a: free from vanity: MODEST
2b: free from ostentation or display
...
6: free from elaboration

... or eLABORation (my thoughts)




We all seek a simpler life. Do you know anyone who has ever said, "Hey, can you think of a way to make my life more complicated? It is just too simple!" If so, don't tell them to read this. They won't understand.

The American Dream ... the American Nightmare. What does it involve?

Accumulation - of things, of responsibilities, of wealth
Stability - in work, in play, in friends, in things
Control - everything within control, or at least "controlled risk"
More - giving our kids more than we had, getting more ... better ... faster

Sometimes more is just more.

But what if we thought about the American Dream as it really is today. (A side note, I think that the original "American Dream" was wonderful. Make a safe, secure place for your family in a land of freedom and opportunity. That is, you have the freedom to be all that you ever dreamed you would be.) Since when does safety equate to total control? When did security come to mean accumulation of more than we can steward well? Why has opportunity turned into MORE MORE MORE? Since when is freedom the same as creating a small world that is never changing, if we can help it? Just seems like a burden of complixity to me.

So, we all talk about simplifying our lives. I've begun to take action.

First, no more accumulation. It is true that you tend to fill the space you have. Live in 300 sq feet, you will accumulate 350 sq feet of stuff. Move to a larger place ... more stuff. I was astounded when I realized the amount of energy I put into trying to find workable storage to decrease clutter and organize the stuff. I DON'T NEED BETTER ORGANIZATION, I NEED LESS STUFF! I believe that we take on responsibility for everything we acquire. If I buy a shirt, I take on the responsibility of keeping it clean, storing it properly, and wearing it, whether or not I actually like it. That's good stewardship. Think about it. Everything you own, even the stuff you never see because it is buried under all the stuff you see only because it is on the top of the pile. Yes, all that stuff is your responsibility. Does it bring convenience or pleasure to you? Does it enrich your life? My answer is a resounding NO! So, the downsizing begins. Change is in the wind.

I had a victory moment the other day. The space under our bed is empty, except for a small stool that I use to reach things in the closet (I'm a little reach impaired). Nothing else is under the bed. I didn't shove it under something else. I went through it, appropriately placed the important things, and got rid of the rest. Oh, and guess what I have in my closet ... only clothes that I wear. And on my side of the closet are ALL my clothes (all seasons). I don't have any clothes stored anywhere else. VICTORY #1.

I'm now on a quest. Take a 5 bedroom, 3 bath house full of enough stuff for an 8 bedroom 5 bath house, and downsize it to fit into a two bedroom apartment. Are we moving into a two bedroom apartment? I have no idea. But I want to be ready if we do.

Simplify ... it is the beginning of a journey.

I feel the winds of change blowing …

"I feel the winds of change blowing". I've said that many times in my life. And each time, it was true ... change was coming. Was it coming and I felt it, or did I want it so I made it. Who knows. But I feel the winds of change blowing.

We are at an interesting juncture in life, that place where you are racing toward the "empty nest." Many have been there. You know it is a road traveled by every parent in every generation since Adam and Eve sent their young men out into the world. Well, we know how that turned out. None-the-less, here we go. The catch ... there's a little chirping sound coming from the nest, coming from the mouth of the next generation of children from our family. I truly feel like we have two generations of children, separate yet united as brothers. That's what happens when you have two teenagers and a 1st grader. The winds of change ...

Then there's the dream of a different life. I don't want to seem to be trying to get the older two out the door. Honestly, I'm not sure how you breathe when a big piece of your heart moves on to the rest of his life, much less when it happens twice in two years. But with their childhoods coming to an end, we get the chance to see how it worked. We get to evaluate the successes, the failures, the complications, and the joys that define their childhoods, and then we get to decide how to do it better in round two.

There are so many pieces to evaluate. The older two have had a typical suburban childhood ... public school, suburban neighborhoods, soccer teams, music lessons, boy scouts. Just like my childhood. Just like the childhood of everyone I've ever known (mostly). What does it look like to break out of that mold and dare to dream? What could be different? Be better?

We've fallen for the American Dream, and it feels more like the American Nightmare. Don't misunderstand, my teens have had a great childhood, and I've loved every minute of watching them become the men they are becoming. We're not done yet, but I have a glimpse everyday of the end result. They have turned out well. But in the wake of their childhoods, I see what we parents have become.

I've been tired for years. We struggle as many do with expectations that we have set to perform based on the lives we have created ... that we pay an incredible amount in bills for this complex life, that we work to a certain level without fail and without cutting ourselves any slack, that we interact with family and friends in a certain way to be liked, that we worship God by pushing ourselves to exhaustion under entirely misdirected motivation. I don't blame others for these expectations; we have placed them on ourselves in the pursuit of the American Dream. We place expectations on ourselves to be so "normal."

It is time to stop the spinning, and get off the ride. I have realized over the last few weeks that I've been trying to escape "normal" my entire life. The winds of change ...

So David and I are pursuing a new dream. While we attempt to ignore the expectations, we are redefining our own dream. Watch out world, or at least the little bit of the world that knows us, the adventure is starting anew.

So Much To Do ... So Little Time ...

It seems that every day brings more for the "to do" list than was checked off yesterday. Does anyone ever catch up? Maybe it is one of the perils of being such an over-achiever, A-type, perfectionist kind of person that makes this phenomenon occur. It is just so hard sometimes to just let things go.

I think about the story of Mary and Martha in the Bible, when Jesus came to visit. I enter the same type of frantic preparation the Martha did. Only, she was preparing for Jesus. I'm often just preparing for my family to come home from work/school. I try to remember what Jesus said to Martha ... that Mary's way was the better way. Was he trying to say that relationship, not only with God but also with fellow man, should be the priority? Staying focused on relationship is a little hard when expectations for clean clothes, cooked food, and minimal household clutter loom. I don't mean to say that my family has unrealistic expectations. These tasks fall squarely in the definition of my job. My husband works out in the world and takes care of so many things at home, the teenagers' work is as students, the preschooler's work is constant learning through play, and my work is to be wife/mom/homemaker. But making a home is so continuous ... nothing ever gets done and stays done. It is all to do again tomorrow.

So ... if there is anything unique, interesting, challenging, or special that finds its way onto my "to do" list, it is difficult to get it done for all the everyday stuff. Or, I do those things, and the everyday stuff falls to the side. The "to do" list just grows. Of course, I should consider the amount of time it takes to blog. I could be cleaning the bathroom!

Anyway, as my "to do" list grows, and my expectations of myself become increasingly unrealistic, I remember the tearful confession of a friend of mine. Life is like a plate full of peas. I spend all my time trying to keep my peas on the plate, as they do their very best to roll off. Put too many peas on my plate, and I can't possibly keep them there. I remember, at a more peaceful time in my life, suggesting to her that she just let the peas fall. She said, "I can't." Maybe it is time for me to take my own advice. Is it ever okay to just let the peas fall?

Breathing

For years now, I've been a yoga wannabe. You know, one of those people who has all the props to go with a lot of head knowledge, but doesn't seem to make practice a priority. I think there are a lot of golfers out there who would understand. But there is one interesting part of yoga that requires a different type of practice ... breathing. About a year ago I discovered that I hadn't taken a deep breath in about a decade. Perhaps that seems impossible, but the lower 2/3's of my lungs were getting very little use. I would wake in the morning often to pain with my first breath, which indicated that I hadn't taken a real breath for hours. I've had to teach myself to breathe all over again, and I'm finding it a slow road still.

Holding my breath seems so much more natural. When I first started reading yoga websites and books, they talked about taking a deep breath by counting to five on the inhale, and again on the exhale. It took weeks before I could actually make my inhale as long as my exhale. Crazy! When did I stop breathing?

So, if you are reading this ... breathe! Stop, close your eyes, think only about breathing, count to five as you breathe in, and again as you breathe out. Just breathe!

Stress-a-holic

I'm a stress-a-holic. Whew! I really needed to get that out there. Crazy to thrive on stress, but I do. I'm not sure I know how to function without placing myself under all kinds of crazy stress. I make up things to stress about when all is calm, not external things, but internal. Guilt seems to be the greatest source of stress for me. If you read the "Raw Vegan" blog, you'll understand that I'm having to fight feeling guilt about all the trash I've fed my family over the years, and all that I will feed them in the future. I feel guilty when I say "no" to someone who asks me a favor ... as if I should never put my own plans, desires, or needs first. I feel guilty when I don't get the laundry done. I feel guilty when someone in my family has to move something of mine that is in the way. Guilty when I don't call my mom (and I love talking with my mom!) ... guilty when I don't take the trash out before someone else has to ... guilty when my husband is working around the house (or at his job), and I'm "sitting around" doing something that I want to do instead of something I need to do ... guilty when my desire to craft something doesn't result in something useful or gift-worthy. Guilty ... guilty ... guilty. And all that guilt causes stress.

I am reading an interesting "self-help" book (for those of you who know me, don't go into shock ... I am still totally opposed to "self-help" books) called "Life is Not a Stress Rehearsal". The author talks about how we no longer look at the world as a source of wonder, and life as a chance for joy, and instead see only the demands for our resources, which leads to total burnout. The end result for me is that I look toward those things that should bring joy and pleasure, and I dread them ... they are just another thing on the list of things that I must do today. As she says, "Let's face it, trying to be "the best that you can be' is exhausting." Carrying the burden of guilt for my shortcomings is equally exhausting. So maybe my total lack of energy is a symptom of not only a lousy diet, but also of the stress of a heavy load of guilt.

The thing is ... I only feel guilty because I'm not meeting my own expectations of myself. Taking a step back leads me to the fact that I have totally unreasonable expectations of perfection. And let's not leave out the fact that I'm a people pleaser, because dissatisfied people can (and often do) cause me pain. Perfectionism leads to another conclusion that is grounded in pride. Pride leads to perfectionism, which leads to unrealistic expectations, which lead to disappointment in myself, which leads to guilt, which leads to stress, which leads to exhaustion ... constant exhaustion. Sometimes it is nice to get to the bottom of things!

The solution ... well, if I knew that, there would be no need to deposit this bit of random chaos and clutter here, now would there?