Stress-a-holic

I'm a stress-a-holic. Whew! I really needed to get that out there. Crazy to thrive on stress, but I do. I'm not sure I know how to function without placing myself under all kinds of crazy stress. I make up things to stress about when all is calm, not external things, but internal. Guilt seems to be the greatest source of stress for me. If you read the "Raw Vegan" blog, you'll understand that I'm having to fight feeling guilt about all the trash I've fed my family over the years, and all that I will feed them in the future. I feel guilty when I say "no" to someone who asks me a favor ... as if I should never put my own plans, desires, or needs first. I feel guilty when I don't get the laundry done. I feel guilty when someone in my family has to move something of mine that is in the way. Guilty when I don't call my mom (and I love talking with my mom!) ... guilty when I don't take the trash out before someone else has to ... guilty when my husband is working around the house (or at his job), and I'm "sitting around" doing something that I want to do instead of something I need to do ... guilty when my desire to craft something doesn't result in something useful or gift-worthy. Guilty ... guilty ... guilty. And all that guilt causes stress.

I am reading an interesting "self-help" book (for those of you who know me, don't go into shock ... I am still totally opposed to "self-help" books) called "Life is Not a Stress Rehearsal". The author talks about how we no longer look at the world as a source of wonder, and life as a chance for joy, and instead see only the demands for our resources, which leads to total burnout. The end result for me is that I look toward those things that should bring joy and pleasure, and I dread them ... they are just another thing on the list of things that I must do today. As she says, "Let's face it, trying to be "the best that you can be' is exhausting." Carrying the burden of guilt for my shortcomings is equally exhausting. So maybe my total lack of energy is a symptom of not only a lousy diet, but also of the stress of a heavy load of guilt.

The thing is ... I only feel guilty because I'm not meeting my own expectations of myself. Taking a step back leads me to the fact that I have totally unreasonable expectations of perfection. And let's not leave out the fact that I'm a people pleaser, because dissatisfied people can (and often do) cause me pain. Perfectionism leads to another conclusion that is grounded in pride. Pride leads to perfectionism, which leads to unrealistic expectations, which lead to disappointment in myself, which leads to guilt, which leads to stress, which leads to exhaustion ... constant exhaustion. Sometimes it is nice to get to the bottom of things!

The solution ... well, if I knew that, there would be no need to deposit this bit of random chaos and clutter here, now would there?